NYC Hardcore Band To Open For Urfaust??? Get the Fuck Out of Town!!

Greetings...

Sadly I was awoken to a phone call early this morning which initially I thought was just a really bad nightmare. A fellow elitist/former booking agent alerted me to the fact that a NYC Slamcore band posed as a "black metal" band would be opening for the mighty Urfaust later this year.

My blackened heart sank....

(Left: Black Anvil: Representing NY Black Metal... Don't walk down the wrong alley while in New York.... You might get slam-danced by hoodlums wearing corpse paint)




Yes the band indeed was former Kill Your Idols members Black Anvil... Nauseated and confused, I stumbled to my computer hoping that the news was just a cruel joke. Sadly I found out it was true. Black Anvil, the band that initiated circle pits and slam dances during the Watain tour last year was in fact returning to tour with the evil iconic drunkards Urfaust.

Below is a clip from the Black Anvil Comedy hour filmed just seconds before preforming guest skits on Saturday Night Live.


In my elitist eyes Black Avil will never be fully accepted into the black metal community for their slamcore roots. Of the people I have interviewed over the years, Black Anvil seem to appeal mostly to those who thought albums such as Machine Head's "Burning Red" or Sepultura's "Roots" were genre-defying works of art. As witnessed during the Watain show last year, many fans showed up eager simply to begin the barbaric act of slam dancing. I stood in the back with my jaw on the floor.


(Left: In NY, hoodies and beanies are considered evil and grim... or so I am told...)









So will I attend this tour when it comes to my town? Most likely yes... but only to report back my travels and experiences. I will witness the only real Urfuast show at the Rites of Darkness III show in TX.





(Left: Black Anvil already preparing for the US tour by posting advertisements in the streets of New York)







So I head back to my bed worried and concerned. Constantly I ask: "why do these amazing European bands have to come to America and tour with our shitty bands?"

Why not tour with bands like Havohej, Svierg, or even Absu???

These questions I will one day have the answers to...

Until then, stay tuned for a Review and Critique part II, Women in Black Metal vol. III, and "What the fuck happened" segments for Carpathian Forest, TAAKE, and Enslaved.

Regards,

-ABME

Kvelertak: Black 'n Roll nobody wanted in the first place

Greetings,

So today I take the time to do a quick summary of a band which I am sure you have on constant rotation during the bus ride to school. The band for tonight's elitist rant is none other than Kvelertak; which roughly translated mean "Stranglehold" or "Small-cock Blues". What separates this band from the other shitty black metal bands I discuss here is that the fact they play the infamous "Black 'n Roll" style sound. "Black 'n Roll" for the musically retarded is process of using non-metal riffs, screaming like a retard, and adding blast beats every ten seconds or so just to play it safe.



(Left: I have no idea what I am looking at in this picture. Please email me if you one day figure out the answer.)








Kvelertak take it a step further with what appears to be Nirvana and Foo Fighter worship. I never at one point in my shallow elitist life thought I would use the words Nirvana and Black Metal in the same sentence. However it was inevitable that one day black metal would stoop as low as to mix in the sound of that shitty 90's grunge sound which we all want to forget even existed. Interestingly enough, the hipster scene was in full force at the time of Kvertak's first full length, and ate Kveletak's sound up faster than MDMA laced marijuana brownies...

The two were literally made for each other.







(Left: A good example of how not to sell your band's merchandise, even if what your selling isn't worth buying in the first place.)













So Kvelertak go around whoring their radio friendly sound out to scene kids across Europe, eventually landing them a (*gasp*) NORWEGIAN GRAMMY AWARD! It would seem this band had no intention at all to write decent music and instead went straight for the hipster image and record deals; as well as appearing on MTV is several different countries and on the cover of all those shitty UK metal magazines which get all the facts wrong! Their merchandise is equally embarrassing as well, featuring dayglow colors and artwork by "elegant arthouse-core" scene favorites.


(Left: Pop music icon and Black Metal expert Dave Grohl explains how Kvelertak sound very similar to the latest Grammy award winning Foo Fighters album which hit stores earlier this year and is available on iTunes as well.)





Below is great example of shitty bands making shitty music videos provided to you by tonight's atrocity Kvelertak. At the 0:16 mark, you will feel as if you have gone back in time to the year 1992 on the set of MTV's TRL show.


Sorry I had to blow my hate wad all over this band in front of you, but these guys had it coming. You can expect more random rants in the future as well as our normally scheduled postings hopefully appearing twice a week soon (no promises to the bastard who foolishly complained that I do not post enough regularly).

Regards,

ABME

Don't worry... The dark lords have a "kids safe" black metal tour planned for you this summer...

Greeting,

Well, I have recently purchased my tickets for the Rites of Darkness Tour III; a show I am proud to say I have been attending for the past two years. Normally, I don't get too excited about big events, but as you can tell by the lineup this show is going to be one for the blackened unholy scriptures.



You: "Mommy who are these bands? Where is Dark Funeral, Cradle of Filth, and Watain? I have never seen or heard any of these bands before... are they any good?"

















Although not 100% sure, I believe this darkened ritual will be extremely limited in the number of mallcore kids in attendance. I mean this is not an Immortal show where you can just walk in decked out in shitty corpse paint, wearing a Metalocalypse shirt, and start moshing. You will most likely be bludgeoned to death and then disposed of at the Texas/Mexico boarder only to be mistakenly claimed as a drug dealer who dealt his last deal.






(Left: No Deathklok fans should be in attendance at RoD III... hopefully...)










However, you need not worry. Luck would have it that there is a "kid-friendly" all-ages black metal tour going around! Even better, "The TRUE Mayhem" is headlining!!!

Now, now, calm down... Don't make too much noise!

Assuming you have missed Mayhem preform the hundreds of US stops over the past decade or so, this will be a great opportunity to bring fellow class mates and school friends, as all their older fans will most likely not be attending because they will have already seen them at least five time by now. So pack your corpse paint and your Hot Topic spiked braclet because it's MAYHEM TIME! You might even get to hear them play... DEATHCRUSH!!!





(Left: A flyer for the upcoming US show)






















We are not done yet! You also get to see the leading force in USBM.... Abigail Williams!!! You know, the band that people confused as an emo-grindcore act so they had to kick out members and change their image completely for their next album? Yeah, those clowns! Below is a video showcasing how utterly stupid they are and what to expect at a live performance (minus the bitch who is now in Cradle of Filth)!


Don't know who Keep of Kalessen are either? Don't worry! Neither does two thirds of the metal community. They were once a semi-decent black metal band, but pulled a Behemoth and then made a Eurovision video which fucked up their chances of ever being taken seriously as a metal band. Below is a video featuring Keep of Kalessen, with a TV audience provided. It's worth noting that their most recent tour in the US was abysmal, with maybe 10 kids at the local stop here in town. This black metal elitist says "Ouch!"


Well thank your lucky stars! Looks like Lucifer was looking out for you younger kids after all! If I were you, I would begin the begging process right this very instant. With the unstable economy, you never know if your parents will have the money for a ticket and shirt at any given time. Also hit the gym, because when Mayhem does Freezing Moon, you KNOW a vicious circle pit will erupt randomly and you need to be prepared.

It should also be noted that the Polish band HATE will be on the line up as well, but seeing that they were never really black metal to begin with puts them outside my jurisdiction. Technically they get a free pass... for now...

Well I hope that made your summer. Sometime soon I will be reading your hate mail, reviewing suggested bands, and other last minute shit. Also, its almost Gabriel's time...

Regards,
-ABME

Dark Medieval Wines aka Concentrated Mule Piss

Last year, before I began the shelling of the blackened mallcore scene with my elitist opinions, I was often times hesitant to create this blog. I felt content living in my own elitist realm surrounded by vinyl while the black metal ship sank ever so slowly. However, one story in particular caught my eye as being so absurdly stupid, I could not help but get off my ass to rant in digital format. Naturally, after starting this page, I began to get sidetracked and the story was pushed aside. However, recently an inferior web page (of which many of you openly admit to visiting on the FB wall for whatever reason) did a brief blurb on the topic of this post. Unsatisfied by how they handled the topic, I jumped into action to finally tackle this story...
-ABME



Greetings,

Last year, it was announced that Satyr would start producing his own wine... Something I felt crossed the line and fell in the "Un-Metal Atrocities" list.

Advanced n00b: "Black Metal wine? That's fucking stupid!"

Well not exactly black metal wine. It does not openly sport corpse paint on the bottle with illegible band logo's plastered on it. However it does tend to appeal to the "darker" crowd of wine drinkers. Below is some information gathered through often times (un)reliable sources, following Satyr and his "Wongraven" mule-piss abortion over the past nine months.







(Left: Satyr pathetically tries to save his legitimacy to all that is evil by giving the "horns up" hand gesture. Thankfully his wine buddy Luca voids his attempts by mistakenly giving the "love" sign instead)













Lets face it... We all make mistakes at one point, and sometimes it's better to just move forward and forget the past. However, in Satyr's case, it seems he is constantly plagued by shitty decisions, thus rendering him in some weird "fuck-up dimension" where everything he does is of poor taste.





(Left: Saytr embarrassingly struggles to bench what appears to be 40 pounds.)









So in 2010, after putting out some Best Buy "black metal" stamped dog shit on nu-metal record label ShitRunner Records, it seems Satyr may have begun to suffer from the sell-out blues. This is an unfortunately common occurrence in black metal, with Satyricon now joining the ranks of Emperor and Dimmu Borgir. The 'blues often times causes members to make nonsensical decisions that a normal thinking musician wouldn't dare make. Thus, Satyr eventually acquired mallcore drummer Joey Jordanson from Slipknot to fill in for Frost during a US tour, in what I believe was an attempt to turn "maggots" in Satyricon fans. The tour was a success and oddly enough, Joey was considered an honorary "live member". Satyr was on a role as the 'blues began to fade....



(Left: Pictured here is a "Sliptyricon"... a.k.a. a rare musical mongoloid that occurs only when two equally shitty bands merge together to do a tour in America.)




The only thing capable of topping a nu-metal infused USA tour would have to be putting out an adult beverage, and name it after your folk inspired band...

You: "But ABME thats wut he did do! Really!"


(Left: A spell was cast an the sky turned gray
The hipsters heart froze to ice
The blackness that falls is going away
Under the snow lies money and gold.)



And so, Satyr moved along with his abysmal life and ended up with an even stranger bed partner Luca Roagna. Luca is a wine expert or some shit; I honestly would not know because I don't sip fermented juice when I blast my metal. Together they formed Wongraven; wine made exclusively for Satyr and all that is evil. Or so we are expected to believe...

















Satyr: "This grape looks exceptionally juicy and plump! Perfect for my evil wine!"
Luca:"DUUURRRHHHH"


Wongraven comes in two distinct flavors, I might add. Judging by the logo on the bottle, I believe one contains fermented goat urine, for a distinct burning flavor. The other has a more sweeter-tasting anti-freeze flavor, for those who do not prefer that smokey-piss aftertaste. The wine comes in a box with a bunch of illegiable cursive hand writing on it, both to trick people into thinking it's fancy, and to make you feel more comfortable about dropping a small fortune on it.


To celebrate his black metal wine, Satyr held a party for it; inviting all the remaining original second wave black metal friends who he had not pissed off or fucked over during the previous decade. From what I can tell, the party consisted mostly of hipsters, wine-o's, and the Norwegian Olympic Ski team. Nothing says "OKKULT SATANIC RITUAL" like a bunch of tipsy black metal has-beens.

(Left: It was no surprise that former ousted black metal vocalist Gaahl was invited to Wongraven party. Here he is pictured asking Satyr if his band has any openings for a backing vocalist. Satyr caught off guard is clearly trying to ponder excuses)


And so, Satyr moves forward in his awkward dimension of "success and failure". A Norwegian Grammy recipient, (shitty) label owner, and now wine connoisseur. Before you know it, Watain will be releasing dead animal cologne and Dimmu Borgir will open a fast food chain across Europe. This black metal elitist cringes at the simple thoughts of those possibilities on a nightly basis.





(Left: A photo taken of a fan who could not handle the visual retardation of Satyr's new stage appearance. The fan would eventually die of a fatal heart attack caused by shock seconds after this photo was taken.)







Some will argue the fact that Satyr is the leading force in extreme metal by today's standards, and that all of his success is well deserved. Obviously, those who speak such nonsense are confused scene kids who probably don't own anything before Rebel Extravaganza.




(Left: This parched Satyricon fan is thirsty for some Wongraven... or some Satyr love)












Alas, I will always remember Satyricon for their first two efforts. Having to import them from Europe back in the mid 90's... An experience that is nostalgic only to the few remaining elitists who have not completely abandoned the scene.

Coming up in future posts: We will head back to Hungry to expose another "wolf" for the sheep he is, and also I will give my two cents about a recent black metal tour that is about to take place here in the US...

Regards,

-ABME







Post Script: During all this pussy Satyr bullshit, it is safe to say Frost was most likely banging chicks, snorting massive amounts of coke, and everything else in between that is still true unholy black metal. We salute you Frost...




...even though you were listed to be the drummer for "The FORCE Gorgoroth" and the trifling abomination "Ov Hell".
Good one...

Weston Cage: Giving USBM a Bloody Face... and making me smile

Greetings...

So it was brought to my attention that everyone's new favorite USBM fuck-up Weston Cage has manged to further destroy his miserable life in the public eye again. However the sequence of events that lead up to this event are of this Angry Elitists dreams...






(Left: Weston's submission to the ABME n00b Summer Reading List was rejected because two year old calendars do not count as reading material)








Weston reportedly attempted (and failed) to ROUND HOUSE KICK his personal trainer over not being able to eat something on the menu of all things (probably chicken fingers). He then tried to punch his trainer, only to be knocked to the ground and punched thirteen times in broad daylight, AND in the streets of Hollywood. I want to put emphasis on the number of punches given to Weston by his trainer. You see I figure that his trainer has to unwillingly listen to Eyes of Noctum when dealing with Cage on a daily basis. When the shit hit the fan, his trainer must have felt the need to physically review "Inceptum" to Cages face. Thirteen punches is TWO punches more than the total track list on Eyes of Noctum's "Inceptum" album. I would assume if that were a form of reviewing music, it would probably translate to a "negative" review.
A fair rating if you ask me.

Below is the footage provided by the clowns of TMZ. It is possibly the happiest three minutes and ten seconds of this Elitist's life in recent memory (minus my recent vinyl haul).

LISTEN to wiggers gawk commentary in confusion.
SEE the emo hipster with big headphones witness Weston's demise and just stare!
Experience the fall of West Coast black metal...


So there you have it. How lame is that. Trying to "one-up" Wrest by getting your rich ass beat in front of a restaurant while being filmed by some clown who is rich now thanks to TMZ isn't exactly grim now is it...

Anyway ABME will return to his regularly scheduled hatred tomorrow or possibly Friday. You will want to stay tuned because the topic of the next post is one of the reasons I ended up getting off my elitist ass to come bitch at you in the cyber world in the first place.

Regards,

-ABME